Howondaland

Chapter 16.
Anna.

The summer was hot. I walked
along the street, absent-mindedly examining the surrounding landscape. For
a year I did not see Denis and he could not get out of my head.
I could not
understand my attitude towards him. Love or just a habit? When
we began to live together, I realized that I do not want live with this man. I
do not want to cook breakfast for him in the morning, I do not want to give
birth to his children, I just want him to be around. Hand
over his fingers with black hair, peer into the yellow eyes, engage in violent
sex with him, but that’s probably all.
Since
childhood, I’ve been drawn to him, he was lonely, nobody misunderstood, one I
knew what he was inside — a slightly awkward, vulnerable boy who used to hide
everything. Tears,
pain — everything was hidden behind a smile, behind a strange, slightly crazy
smile.

When
he asked me to marry him, at first I was overjoyed. But then I realized — no. Friends, lovers,
anyone, but not husband and wife. To
be forever between Denis and painting with a preponderance is not in my favor —
I was not ready for that.
But I needed this man. And
I again and again returned to him and deep down I was glad that he does not work
with women. Mine, only mine.

When
Lina appeared, at first I did not pay attention to what glances Denis throws at
the girl. I
could not think that he would fall in love with a girl twice as young as
himself, in a normal gray mouse, in a completely unformed teenager. What
was in it that attracted a man so much that he did not think of abandoning me? But when I saw
Lina in his arms, I realized that this was the end. He is no longer
mine and will never be mine.
I
ignored his calls for a year, for some time I left to live with my parents and,
it seemed to me that my feelings for the man had evaporated. But
he still lived in my thoughts and with this I could not help it.

**
At
first it seemed to me that I saw a familiar, slightly limping gait and
accelerated my step. I
do not see very well and I can not see the features of my face from a distance.
And it was really Denis. My
heart jumped and I could not stand it, grabbed his sleeve shirt.
He turned to
me in confusion and smiled. He
again grew his hair, almost shaved his beard and looked younger than a year
ago. And
then he hugged me without words and I again heard a familiar smell, felt his
heart beating and, for a moment, it seemed to me that everything was as before.
It’s
like he’s mine again and there’s no separation a year. And I heard his whisper:
— I was bored, Anya.

**
— So,
Lina still remains …- I stretched out. —
It’s amazing, you know … I do not want to say that from you, she must have
escaped when she saw your scars, but it’s still amazing.
We were sitting in a street
cafe. I
looked at Denis — he changed and it was not in his overgrown hair. He
ceased to look torn and seemed absolutely happy. He has never been this to me
…
—
Thank you, Anh, I always knew you believed in me,— he laughed softly. — But I
was also surprised that Lina stayed on to know my past. She’s a … awesome girl.
I buried my eyes in
the cup of coffee. Why is it, why
not me? How
does this girl, who knows him only a year, managed to make him happy, but I
could not in my whole life?
— You’re angry, are not you? — the man suddenly asked,
taking my hand. —
We with you and could not become a normal couple for so many years, and with
Lina it turned out so quickly …
I looked up at him. I did not know what I felt. Anger? May be…
—
Probably, you just need to take it as is, — Denis sighed and winced. He raised his
long fingers to his temples and squeezed his head.
— Is your head ill?— I
asked worriedly. — I
have medicine in my bag, wait, I’ll find it.
— Do not,— he
stopped my hand and stood up. —
Actually, I waited for Lina, she passes the examinations to the institute and,
should have already finished. We
go, it seems, to us along the way?
I
slowly got up from my chair and we walked along the sun-drenched street. Denis
occasionally frowned and rubbed his temples, but suffered in silence.
We
stopped at a wide crossroads.
—
I’m going there, — the man nodded to the other side of the street.
— And I’m ahead, — I
sighed. I
did not want him to leave, because I realized that it is unlikely that we will
see each other now and often. I stepped forward impetuously
and hugged him. Denis
hugged me in return and sadly said:
— Forgive me, Anya. But I still hope for a
friendship with you.
I pulled away from him. Friendship? Will
it work?
The
man rang the phone, he glanced at the screen and said:
— But now it’s definitely
time for me. Anya, I …
— Go,— I pushed
him lightly on the shoulder. — Just give me a little
more time.
He
smiled and walked with a wide pace across the intersection. I
followed him with my eyes, thinking over his words about friendship. Maybe it’s really
better this way?
In
the middle of the intersection, the man suddenly stopped and again grabbed his
head. The
light at the traffic light had already begun to change to red. He
walked a few more hesitant steps and suddenly collapsed, like a wreck, under
the wheels of the car.