Howondaland

Chapter 9. Denis.

I stared at the sleeping
Lina for a long time. My shirt was
too big for her and she showed too much body. I
thought sadly about how hard it would be for me to wait for her to come of age,
and ideally I was not going to drag her to bed until she was ready. How long will I last? And will she not leave earlier? Will I ever feel it?
Hardly
getting up from the bed, I headed for the exit. I had one more
unfinished business.
**
Anya did not sleep. She sat in
the kitchen and looked at one point with unblinking eyes. She remained in
the dress and did not even take off her shoes. I
felt pity, although I still could not understand what she was feeling.
— Hey, — I touched
her shoulder, — Anya. We
need to talk.
— You found her? — she asked dully.
-Yes,
—  I answered absentmindedly and dropped
to her knees in front of her and squeezed her hands. — Forgive me, Anya. I should have known, but how? We
sleep together for thirteen years, you had men, I have women … sometimes. But
in the end, we always end up in the same bed together and you always stressed
that this is sex without continuing. I
was in love with you, that’s why I proposed to marry, but when you refused …
I decided that maybe it’s for the best and all feelings somehow came to naught.
Probably,
we did not need to continue to sleep together after that. But
we were too young, and I never knew such subtle matters … And who would teach
me how to communicate with people? Father? You
yourself know that he taught me only one thing — that I’m completely useless
… But when did you realize that?..
— I … I do not know, Denis. Sometimes
it seems to me that I love you all my life, and sometimes that I’m completely
indifferent to you. But let you go, give it to
another woman? I cannot! I’m selfish, are not I? You’ve
always been around, maybe I just got used to you?
But
when I saw you with Lina, you do not even know how angry I was. Even now, when I
think about it, I want to strangle it. Some youngster is
trying to take my man away! And
at the same time I understand that we are both free and have nothing to do with
each other. But the anger
does not pass.
And I
remember you when another woman left you. You
and so with difficulty keep to the brink of normality and every departure has
undermined you more and more. What will happen to you when Lina
leaves? And do you need her? You’re just gonna
ruin a girl’s life …

She ran her
hand over my back and I froze. For
us it was not a secret that I was balancing on the fine side of normal
existence and then thanks to the pills that I drink and skillful work of
psychologists many years ago …
I rubbed my temples wearily. Then I rose abruptly and
lifted Anya from a chair. I
hugged the girl and whispered:
— Forgive me, Anya. I’m still such an idiot. But I
really want to try to be happy for a little while. I
will not deceive Lina and immediately tell her everything, and if she
immediately leaves … Well, neither I, nor she will lose almost nothing.
— You really fell in love, Denis, — said Anya
softly.
— Forgive me, — I
repeated.
**
I sat for
a long time next to Anya, until she fell asleep. I
stroked her red hair, remembering all the years spent together.

And then I went to my flat. Angelina did not sleep. She
was standing by the window, lit by the morning sun and my heart was not
stopping at the strange painful feeling. I quickly approached her and
grabbed the girl. She
clung to me gullingly and the time seemed to stop.
She
is mine and nothing can take Angelina away from me.
— Only you, — I whispered silently, — only
you.

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Chapter 8. Part three.
Denis.

Lina I found quite by
accident. A
couple of times running past the playground, I finally saw the girl. Rather, I heard
a quiet cry and ran to the sound.

Lina
sat in the “crow’s nest” on the children’s ship and sobbed, burying
her face in her palm.
—
Lina, — I called her, — get off, please, we need to talk.
After
a brief silence, I heard the girl’s choked voice:
— No.

I growled. The day
turned out to be hard and I still did not want to tolerate Lina’s stubbornness.
Without thinking twice, I
reached out to her. Lina fell
silent, her round eyes looking at me.
— Stupid girl! — I grabbed the girl and held her
close. She
tried to escape, but then stopped twitching and just stood silently, her head
bowed.
— Why do you always run
away? —
I tried to look Lina in the eyes, but she stubbornly looked away. — Does Anya tell you everything? Do you know what she
feels for me?

She
nodded, still not looking at me.
— Angelina, these are
not your problems. We
still have a lot of unpleasant conversations with her, but it will be later. And now it does not matter. And what
matters is what you want and what you feel for me. And whether you need it at all. Because
now, when you are full of maximalism, you think that I am the same, but it will
take a couple of years and you will regret contacting me.
She
finally raised her eyes full of indignation.
-I know, I’m not saying what you want to hear,
and I myself want to send everything away and be with you, but …
— Nerd! —
the girl has cried out, has seized me for a head and has sharply pulled a hair.
-Yes, — I agreed.

And then I finally kissed
her.

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