Howondaland

Chapter 19 A few
months later.
Anya.
Denis smoked,
staring at one point. Sometimes
his hands began to tremble and the man fought harder with frenzy. How many years he did not smoke? Six or seven?
A
couple of hours ago, a man called me and with a voice without any emotion asked
me to go to him. The
first half hour he was silent, and then he told me everything.
I bit my
lower lip and asked:
— Did you exactly see Lina
with the other?  Maybe you thought?
— I’m not blind, Anya! — The man got up,
but immediately sat back down on the chair. — I drove after her after school
and what? Why the fuck did
she kiss around Uni versus the other? Anya, what have I done wrong? Why did it all turn out that way?
He
ran his hands through his hair and began to pull long strands.
I bit my lip again. I
often saw Denis in despair, but now he was brought to the last stage. Why did Lina do this? They
seemed perfectly happy together, even though they had to start all over again.
— What attracted you to
her at all? — I
asked a question that tortured me for a very long time.
Denis
stopped ripping his hair and looked at me carefully.
— You do not understand, do
you? But,
by the way, you never understood me, everything was always good in your life.
I wanted to protest, but
stopped. But
he’s right, what was wrong in my life? Bad grades in school? Small quarrels with parents? Parting with the boys?
The
man came close to me and lifted my face behind his chin.
—
We have been together for so many years, Anya, but have you ever thought about
how I feel alone with myself?“ How much do I feel lonely every day?
So
you do not understand what attracted me to Lina … the second time.
—
You only look at our age and only think that apart from the bed, we cannot have
anything in common? I
know that you are jealous of me for her, because I was only yours for so many
years. I’m
still yours, but in a different way.
—
She is the same as me — a person who does not need the past, because there is
nothing that can be nostalgically remembered in the evenings. Even
in spite of the fact that Lina is too young for her, she already needs a new
life. When
I learned this, I realized that with this woman I could start all over again,
letting go of all the ghosts of the past and not thinking about them anymore,
everything is from the zero point, you understand? She and I, my little angel.
— It’s
not mine anymore, —  he said sadly,
letting go of me. — But
what was it worth to tell her that she no longer wanted to be with me?” I
know what’s wrong, but what? .. Age? .. But why did not it hurt her earlier?
He sat
down again in the chair and stared out the window.
— Now
everything will be like before, only I and painting. For
some reason, everyone is sure that if I’m a genius, I do not need anything but
an easel … no attachment, no love, only a brush. Well, now I will not
disappoint anyone. Forgive
me, Anya, but it seems that now I can not sleep with you.
—
Do you really think that all these years I only needed this from you? — I put my hand on his
shoulder and squeezed it lightly. — I love you,
Denis, and I like being with you. But you are absolutely
right — I am also your past. And to live
normally, I do not need you.
— I need you, — he
said hollowly. — But
as a friend and sister.
He
turned and buried his face in my chest like a child. His shoulders trembled. He is crying? I never saw his tears,
and there were not any. He
himself said that he stopped crying when he realized that his father was angry
even more if he saw his tears.
I
stroked his hair for a long time, becoming more and more irritated with Lina. Why did she do this to a
man?
Denis
hardly lifted his head and looked at me from the bottom up. I
slowly wiped the tears from his cheeks, peering at the feverish gleam of the
yellow eyes.
He coughed and
looked away.
— I’m
sorry, I … The devil knows what’s come over me.
He was again coughing. My
heart sank and I again attracted him to me, putting my hand on his forehead. And she gasped.
— Denis, you have the temperature! You’re hot all over!
— Temperature? — he repeated absentmindedly. — In general,
it’s very cold here, what is the temperature…
**
He fell asleep
instantly, without even undressing. I
sat for a long time next to Denis, rejoicing that he was ill — now he certainly
will not be up to thoughts about Lina.
— Brother,
— I whispered and put a hand on his shoulder. In
the silence of the bedroom, it sounded too pompous and I shook my head and
removed my hand. But he
really is my brother, very distant, but a relative! Why did we sleep with him?
I
cringed — and after all, I kept for so many years for Denis and what in the
end? I’m alone too,
I’m thirty-one, and I’m not married. And
was it worth it then — to always return to the same man who needed something
completely different?
I
did not have time to ponder this thought — I heard the door open in the
corridor and rushed there, boiling with righteous anger. I’ll kill you, Lina!

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