Howondaland

Chapter 17.
Denis.

My
head ached and my broken ribs did not let me breathe normally. But no concussion and
other bruises worried me. I
did not remember what happened and why I was in the hospital.

From
my memory fell a whole year and, when I woke up, it turned out that I was no
longer thirty, but thirty-one and this somehow outraged me the most.
The
doctors claimed that the memory would return soon, but I, in the end, did not
care. I
was sure that in the time that was gone, nothing good happened to me and did
not try to remember.

Anya
tried to break through to me and give me some fruit, but I asked the doctors
not to let anyone go to me, but to send the package to a children’s department
for a child to whom no one comes. I did not want to see Anya. I
was overcome by another depression and, the only thing I could do was lie on
the bed with my eyes closed and pick up the fragments of the past in my memory.
All
my life I believed that I was lucky as a drowned man and the loss of memory was
the last straw. I
understood that it could be even worse, but how much can everything fall on my
head? And how much will
this continue? Sometimes
I regretted that my attempts to commit suicide many years ago were unsuccessful.

Are all these
failures a pay for talent? Could I live an ordinary life? Family,
children … Father said that I should only draw and not do the rest of the
nonsense. How
much longer will I be dragging these accursed attitudes in my life? My father is
gone for a long time, but I still just draw …
I
opened my eyes, saw the white ceiling and realized that I was involuntarily
trying to remember the year that had disappeared from my memory. As
if there was something very important for me that I had to remember. But
nothing happened and I closed my eyes again and plunged into the past deeper
and deeper.

**
—
You look awful, — Anna told me the first time when she came to pick me up from the hospital.
—
And by the way, I’m horribly offended at you, that you forbade anyone to come
to see you. And not
only me, — she said to the side, and frowned.
I
did not pay attention to her words, absently pulling myself through long
strands. Why did I grow
my hair?
Near
the house, Anya stopped the car and began nervously tapping the steering wheel
and biting her lips.
— Do you want to tell me
something? — I guessed.
— You’re
so … ingenious,— snapped the girl and licked her lips. —
Denis … tell me, what if … well … did you suddenly find yourself a girl
this year?
I
let go of a lock of hair, which I wound on my finger and tried to catch the
jaw. Did I mishear?

**
Lina.
Denis sat
on the couch, clenching his fists and not looking in my direction. I
realized that he had a memory loss, but deep down he hoped that he would remember
everything when he saw me. What
a naive I am!
When
he saw me, in his eyes I saw confusion, bewilderment, and then he looked away
and was already trying not to look at me. I
knew that he was doing this to all people so as not to frighten them with his
yellow eyes, but he never did that to me …
I
sat next to him and took his hand, still hoping for something. He’s
mine, my man, how come he forgot me? I wanted to cry, but I held
myself back. But all
this is so unfair!
—
Lina, — the man finally said, and
delicately released his hand. — Forgive me.
I
do not remember what happened between us and, to be honest, I can not
understand what you found in me.
— We’ve
been through this already,— I said irritably. —
You don’t touch me almost half a year, thinking about what I found in you and
that we have a very big age difference.
— And what in the end? — He looked up at me and smiled.
I rejoiced —
the contact is established.
—
In the end, nothing prevented you from sleeping with me and before that
accident do it regularly.
I
grabbed his hand again and the man did not release her. He
studied my fingers for a long time, lying in his hand, probably not even
realizing that he was unconsciously stroking them, as he had done many times
before …
Then
he lifted his tired eyes on me and with a sigh erased tears from my cheeks. I did
not even notice that I started to cry and bit my lip with annoyance. I want to still seem
strong …
—
Do not cry, Lina, especially because of me. — Denis shook his head. — I have absolutely no idea
what to do. You
are a very beautiful girl and I really want to remember what happened between
us. But
I do not want you to suffer, especially if memory does not return.
My heart sank. It became
terrible, but what if he really could not remember? What will i do? Trying to reach out to him again? But
then he was in love, and now in those eyes there is not the warmth that was
before when he looked at me.
The
man stroked my cheek lightly and suddenly bent down, kissed me. I shuddered and wrapped my arms
around his neck. I
could feel the vein beating against his neck, feel the warmth of his body and
pray, just as long as he would not let me go. With
him, I felt right, as if it was necessary for us to be together, and I could no
longer imagine my life without him.
Denis
dismissed me as suddenly as he kissed me, and grabbed his head, furiously
twitching long strands. There was a
taste of disappointment on my lips and I realized that I was crying again.
— I thought I’d remember, but no, nothing like that, no hint. Lina, oh Lina, how are you so unlucky that you
met me!
He knelt before me and squeezed my hands. In his eyes, I saw despair and firmly
said:
— You will not get rid of me. If it’s required, I’m ready again, that you think
about six months and more, but you are mine.
I ran my hands through his hair and repeated:
— You are my.