Chapter 12.
December 30. Denis.
Lina looked at my back in silence. Sometimes I felt her fingers on my skin and
was amazed at this girl.
All my back was covered with a smooth network of healed and half-scarred scars,
eternal greetings from the past, the legacy of my father, a payment for genius.
Not so high, what can I say.
Once I believed that women escape only because of scars, but several years ago
realized that this was just the tip of the iceberg. Then I stopped all attempts
to build a relationship.
— Is that why you have no one?— Lina
asked suddenly. — Well, scars … and they say that the man is decorated with
scars.
-I would kill the man who said so, — I
sighed and put on my T-shirt. — Personally, I got to hear that I’m a freak, and
it’s not like a compliment. Not only in the scars, of course.
I laughed.
-You know, a few years ago, when I still
had women, one of them said that the scars are, in general, nonsense, although
it looks disgusting, it’s much worse to think about how I got them and it’s
probably a rotten story . And that such a man certainly should not try to build
a relationship. And you know, I inwardly agreed with this. I stopped trying to
find a woman and finally plunged into drawing. Well, something like this.
The girl pressed her cheek to my shoulder and suddenly asked:
-You’ll tell me, where are the
scars? I did not run away, as the others
saw them …
I heaved a deep sigh. Yes, she did not. But who will give a guarantee that she
will not run away after learning the answer? Chance is one in a million …
Lina looked inquisitively at my eyes. And I decided to take a chance.
Lina.
Denis, limping, went to the table. I rummaged in the drawer and pulled out a
small black and white photo. She was a girl, quite young, obviously not much
older than me. Denis looked like her, vaguely, elusively, but it immediately
became clear that they were close relatives. My heart ached with pain. I
already understood why Denis never even mentioned his mother …
He ruffled his hair and looked with longing at the photograph.
— In general, I do not know why I’m so sad when I look at this photo, I’ve
never seen my mother. She died during childbirth and my father brought me up.
If this can be called upbringing.
Denis laughed sadly and neatly hid the photo back on the table.
— My father was also an artist, but not particularly talented, more stubborn.
And crazy. Unable to reach the heights himself, he decided that he needed a
child to raise him a genius. The idea-fix, unclosed gestalt. He was lucky, I
really turned out to be what he wanted, he did not even have to drive it into
me. As soon as I could hold the brush, my father sat me down at the easel and
my training began. He just motivated me — a lot of sharp and not very objects
on the back. Banal such a story about beatings in the family.
Morally, he also carefully destroyed me, suggesting to me that I should only
draw and nothing more, because the other I still will not work. To all this I
eventually got used to, I still did not know another life. I drew all day, to
cramps in my hands, in the hope that maybe a little bit of beating would stop,
but every day my father was more and more starved.
In general, no one could call him a good father.
Denis rubbed his prickly chin and stared at his hands. I wiped the tears. The
voice of the man was calm, as if he informed me about the weather outside the
window, but I saw his evil eyes and I became scared.
I already understood for a long time that Denis only wears a mask of a calm and
confident person, but inside he hides complexes and fears. And now I understood
where everything came from. And really — everything comes from childhood …
And what should I do now? He ran away from the women, maybe they immediately
knew what kind of person he was and understood that it was better not to mess
with him? Maybe I should get away from him, too?
I felt ashamed. Literally an hour ago I dreamed of sleeping with him, and now I
think that I need to leave him. And how do I differ from others?
Denis, meanwhile, continued.
— I do not remember my childhood with my father very much. The memory is almost
erased and I’m glad of it. Each day was like the rest, such an endless
nightmare — an easel, beatings, pain in the back.
I was a little saved by Ani’s family. We lived in the same house and, in fact,
my mother is a very distant relative of Anna’s mother. With Anya, we are also
relatives, but we do not care about this, especially since the degree of
kinship is too ghostly. But for you, it’s probably still disgusting?
The man shrugged and, without waiting for my answer, spoke again.
-No matter how it was, Anna’s mother did
not let her father completely destroy me. I was weak, almost incapable of
anything, but still alive, and this was the main thing. She did not try to
replace me with her mother, but she did everything with me and I’m grateful for
it. Why does she need someone else’s child when she has her own age? But the
main thing is that I could communicate with Anya and it was then for me the
most beautiful thing in life.
We went to school with Anya together. It was terrible. So many people in one
place, completely unreal.
I do not remember
how, but it was at school that my scars showed up. Even Anna’s mother did not
know about them, imagine? And what happened then? He thought. — I do not remember
at all. My father was deprived of parental rights, I was in the orphanage. And
the father? What was he doing? A year later I was informed that he was dead,
but from what? I was not interested in this, I was so happy. Do you know what
happiness is, Lina? I then found out.
With me, of course, worked a lot of doctors, after all the psyche was
shattered. Now I am calm, but then … however, I do not want to remember this.
Moreover, we are already drowning in your tears.
He embraced me and wiped my long fingers off my cheeks.
— Do not cry, Lina. Now I’m fine. Of course, I had to tell you everything at
once, but I’m selfish, right? And what if I left immediately … I could not
allow this. But when I realized that if we were to sleep, you would still learn
everything, I decided to avoid you. Stupid decision? Maybe…
He lifted my chin and kissed me. I did not answer the kiss, and Denis let me
go, disappointed. Sadly looked out the window and went to the exit.
I waited until the door closed behind him and fell onto the bed, choking in
tears. What decision should I make?
Howondaland 